Tommy Cooper Quotes, Sayings, Remarks, Thoughts and Speeches

Tommy Cooper Quotes and Sayings

  • 1
    A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF
  • 2
    A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.' Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF
  • 3
    I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure. Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF
  • 4
    I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.' Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF
  • 5
    I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF
  • 6
    Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone. Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF
  • 7
    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF
  • 8
    So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.' Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF
  • 9
    So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF
  • 10
    So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF
  • 11
    Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience! Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF
  • 12
    You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' Tommy Cooper | Refcard PDF






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