Funny Quotes and Sayings
Below is the complete reference to Funny quotes, sayings, remarks and thoughts by topics, please click to continue your search.
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen
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I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. Fred Allen
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen
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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen
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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. Woody Allen
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O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. Saint Augustine
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Dave Barry
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. Dave Barry
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Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. Robert Benchley
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I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. Robert Benchley
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. Milton Berle
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A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra
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I never said most of the things I said. Yogi Berra
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There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. Josh Billings
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. Erma Bombeck
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Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler
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I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. Elayne Boosler
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When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. David Brenner
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If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. Mel Brooks
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks
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I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more. James Brown
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Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. Lenny Bruce
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I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. Warren Buffett
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. George Burns
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns
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Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. Samuel Butler
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Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. Robert Byrne
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Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
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Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. Chevy Chase
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I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. Hillary Clinton
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I have never been hurt by what I have not said. Calvin Coolidge
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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby
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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Bill Cosby
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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. Bill Cosby
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield
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Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. Bette Davis
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I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. Bette Davis
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson
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I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. Ellen DeGeneres
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres
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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres
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My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. Angie Dickinson
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller
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I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. Walt Disney
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields
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I like children - fried. W. C. Fields
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W. C. Fields
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I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. Stephen Fry
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
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I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Samuel Goldwyn
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The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. Al Gore
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Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. Cathy Guisewite
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As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
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Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. Hesiod
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Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. Alfred Hitchcock
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All men are equal before fish. Herbert Hoover
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A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. Bob Hope
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I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. Bob Hope
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There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James
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I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. Stephen King
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Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. Henry A. Kissinger
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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A. Kissinger
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Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr
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Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz
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You're only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz
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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. Jay Leno
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The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Jay Leno
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I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. David Letterman
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. Oscar Levant
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Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. Jerry Lewis
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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis
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The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. Joe E. Lewis
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I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. Jay London
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It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. Jay London
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My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. Jay London
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I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. Paul Lynde
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I wish I had the nerve not to tip. Paul Lynde
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God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. Naguib Mahfouz
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I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. Imelda Marcos
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Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis
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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx
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I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. Mercedes McCambridge
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It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. H. L. Mencken
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Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. H. L. Mencken
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I rant, therefore I am. Dennis Miller
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There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. Dennis Miller
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My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. Spike Milligan
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We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. Alanis Morissette
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I like marriage. The idea. Toni Morrison
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Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. Lewis Mumford
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My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers
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A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. Kevin Nealon
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I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. Howard Nemerov
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Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. P. J. O'Rourke
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Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. P. J. O'Rourke
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Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. P. J. O'Rourke
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Never fight an inanimate object. P. J. O'Rourke
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Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. Robert Orben
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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. Robert Orben
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A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." Claude Pepper
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If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter
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Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips
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I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. Paula Poundstone
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One picture is worth 1,000 denials. Ronald Reagan
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Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Ronald Reagan
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers
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Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers
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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock
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That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. Joe Rogan
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I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. Will Rogers
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I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. Will Rogers
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I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. David Lee Roth
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One man's folly is another man's wife. Helen Rowland
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In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner
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I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. Bertrand Russell
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I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. Carl Sandburg
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Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. Marilyn vos Savant
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. Rod Schmidt
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I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. Charles M. Schulz
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I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. Arnold Schwarzenegger
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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld
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A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw
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Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields
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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra
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My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? Margaret Smith
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All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel
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What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? W. Clement Stone
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
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If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin
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If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? Lily Tomlin
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner
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As I get older, I just prefer to knit. Tracey Ullman
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I think serial monogamy says it all. Tracey Ullman
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Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Bill Vaughan
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It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. Johnny Vegas
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The superfluous, a very necessary thing. Voltaire
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Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West
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I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West
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Be obscure clearly. E. B. White
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I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. Norman Wisdom
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood
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TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Frank Lloyd Wright
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
