Funny Quotes and Sayings
Below is the complete reference to Funny quotes, sayings, remarks and thoughts by topics, please click to continue your search.
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. Fred Allen
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? Fred Allen
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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen
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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. Woody Allen
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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. Woody Allen
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen
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O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. Saint Augustine
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Dave Barry
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. Dave Barry
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Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. Robert Benchley
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I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. Robert Benchley
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A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra
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I never said most of the things I said. Yogi Berra
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If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer. Yogi Berra
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A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. Josh Billings
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Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. Josh Billings
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There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. Josh Billings
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck
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Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks
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I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more. James Brown
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Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. George Burns
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns
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Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. Samuel Butler
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Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? George Carlin
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Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. Chevy Chase
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I have never been hurt by what I have not said. Calvin Coolidge
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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby
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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Bill Cosby
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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. Bill Cosby
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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. Bill Cosby
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Noel Coward
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If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. Quentin Crisp
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I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield
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Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. Bette Davis
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I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. Bette Davis
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He would make a lovely corpse. Charles Dickens
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Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. Marlene Dietrich
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I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. Walt Disney
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My inner child is not wounded. Shannen Doherty
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres
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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres
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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein
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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein
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Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin
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I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. Stephen Fry
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
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For your information, I would like to ask a question. Samuel Goldwyn
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I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Samuel Goldwyn
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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. Mitch Hedberg
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
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Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn
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Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. Alfred Hitchcock
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The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk. Dustin Hoffman
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A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. Bob Hope
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I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. Bob Hope
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Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. Victor Hugo
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Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. Thomas Jefferson
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I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. Stephen King
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Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr
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Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz
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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. Jay Leno
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The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Jay Leno
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. Oscar Levant
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It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. Jay London
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My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. Jay London
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I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery. Paul Lynde
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I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. Paul Lynde
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God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. Naguib Mahfouz
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I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. Imelda Marcos
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Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis
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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. Groucho Marx
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Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. Groucho Marx
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx
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I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. Mercedes McCambridge
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I rant, therefore I am. Dennis Miller
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I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. Dennis Miller
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My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. Spike Milligan
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We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. Alanis Morissette
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I like marriage. The idea. Toni Morrison
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Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. Lewis Mumford
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My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers
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I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. Paula Poundstone
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Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Ronald Reagan
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers
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Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers
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I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. Will Rogers
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I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. Will Rogers
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Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water! Eleanor Roosevelt
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One man's folly is another man's wife. Helen Rowland
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I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner
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In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner
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I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. Bertrand Russell
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I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. Howard Nemerov
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The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife. David Ogilvy
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Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. Robert Orben
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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. Robert Orben
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Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you. Satchel Paige
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. Emo Philips
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I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. David Lee Roth
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I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. Carl Sandburg
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Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward. Marilyn vos Savant
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Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. Marilyn vos Savant
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I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun. Arnold Schwarzenegger
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A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw
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Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food. George Bernard Shaw
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We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. George Bernard Shaw
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Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields
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All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel
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There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them. Casey Stengel
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Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. James Thurber
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
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If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin
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If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? Lily Tomlin
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Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. Mark Twain
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By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain
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Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. Mark Twain
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There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. Mark Twain
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As I get older, I just prefer to knit. Tracey Ullman
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I think serial monogamy says it all. Tracey Ullman
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The superfluous, a very necessary thing. Voltaire
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Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West
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I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood
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TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Frank Lloyd Wright
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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
