Rita Rudner Quotes, Sayings, Remarks, Thoughts and Speeches
Rita Rudner Quotes and Sayings
- 1
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
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- 2
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
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- 3
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
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- 4
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
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- 5
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
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- 6
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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- 7
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
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- 8
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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- 9
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
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- 10
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
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- 11
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
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- 12
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
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- 13
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
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- 14
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
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- 15
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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- 16
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
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- 17
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
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- 18
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
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- 19
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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- 20
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
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- 21
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
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- 22
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
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- 23
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
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- 24
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
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- 25
My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
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- 26
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
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- 27
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
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- 28
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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- 29
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
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- 30
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
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- 31
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
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- 32
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
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- 33
To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
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- 34
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
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- 35
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
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- 36
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
Rita Rudner | Refcard PDF ↑
